Say You Won't Let Go
by TheBadIdeaBears
Summary: After a dangerous mission, Maka's life hangs in the balance - will Soul be able to stay strong for her?


**Hi all, Pandora here with a little Soul Eater story for the song 'Say You Won't Let Go' by James Arthur. Holly asked for a fic with this song so I wrote this - though it turned out a little darker and sadder than she necessarily expected! Still, I hope you all enjoy it!**

* * *

I'm under no disillusionment about the nature of my job: it's dangerous. Maka and I have faced so many life or death situations already, and fortunately we're damn good at what we do or we wouldn't have come back from some of them. We've both been injured multiple times, with the scars to show for it, but we _always_ come back. We're back now, but–

"Maka Albarn, twenty-one years old, multiple internal injuries including a ruptured spleen, suspected fractured ribs, possible head and spinal injury, along with lacerations and major bruising."

I follow the paramedics through the doors, the gurney rolling along between them, and try hard not to look at her too closely because if I do I might break. Maka's been in and out of consciousness since I got us here, and the only thing keeping me grounded is seeing the occasional flutter of eyelashes on her cheekbones. I try to anchor myself to that movement, try to ignore the images in my mind of the kishin, Maka screaming in pain, _so much blood_. I clench my fist and continue to run after the gurney, fighting the heavy fatigue in my bones.

"We'll need to intubate right away, and operate as soon as possible to get the bleeding under control, then we can get a blood transfusion set up."

"How much has she lost?"

 _I don't know but half of it's on me._

"We think a pint and a half, possibly more."

"I'll get some of the others to scrub up – we'll need all hands on deck for this one."

The weight in my limbs threatens and I stumble over my own feet, losing pace with the gurney. It rolls away from me, Maka with it, and I'm left staggering along behind it. She's wheeled into an operating theatre but before I can follow her in, a hand comes down on my shoulder.

"Sorry buddy, we can't let you in there."

I turn to see a young man in scrubs looking at me, firm but friendly.

"Is she going to be okay?" I ask. My voice sounds hoarse and dusty – probably from screaming so much – and I know how awful I must look. My clothes are soaked in red, especially the sleeve I used to try and staunch Maka's bleeding, there's mud in my hair and cuts on my skin. All this, I can deal with but–

"We're doing everything we can for her," says the nurse, and I don't miss that he's avoided my question. "We need to get you looked at too – would you come with me to the cubicles?"

"No," I say on shaking lips. "Please, I... I want to stay here."

The nurse hesitates but then nods and sits me in one of the hard plastic chairs in the corridor. He disappears briefly and comes back with what he needs to treat me. My jacket is taken gently off and I feel a sharp twinge in my wrist that makes me hiss in pain.

"Looks like a sprain," says the nurse. He cleans me up: cuts and bruises, a chipped tooth, scraped knuckles, my wrist. All the while he talks to me soothingly, asking questions.

"What's your name?"

"Soul." My name tastes funny in my mouth. "Soul Evans."

The nurse nods. "Is Maka your girlfriend?"

"Fiancée." The word still feels new to me but I get it out in one piece while he cleans my wounds. The iodine stings a little and I have to fight my instincts to pull away. "We're getting married next year."

The nurse smiles. "You guys been together a while then?"

I nod. "We met at school."

 _I met you in the dark. When I went to the DWMA it was almost a last resort. I didn't want to stay at home any more and I knew I had the potential for something different. I wanted an escape, to break free and carve a new path for myself. I was doing everything I could to seem like I was okay, but I was scared and it was so easy to just retreat back into old habits and hide in the shadows. But then you appeared and you lit me up, shone your light on me so I couldn't stay hidden any more. You made me feel as though I was enough for the first time I could remember. Suddenly I felt wanted, like I could be someone who mattered in my own right. We grew closer, and I knew I loved you then – it became a truth within me before I was willing to admit it. Then I finally did admit it to myself: that I wanted to be with you, that I lamented the space between us as you slept in the next room, that I was pining for you – but you'd never know. I played it cool, tried that teenage boy thing of acting disinterested when really I was desperately looking for a way to tell you that every time we hugged I was scared of letting go in case it was the last time I'd ever hold you. The first time we kissed it felt unreal, like the most perfect dream, and I pinched myself but you were still there smiling at me and I knew I needed you in my life for as long as you would stay._

The nurse finishes up with me and leaves; I think he says something but I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I don't take it in at all. On my own in the corridor I run my fingers distractedly over the edges of my bandages until they're soft. I suppose that the noises I can hear around me are normal hospital sounds, but every beep of a machine, every trill of a telephone, every squeak of a gurney wheel sets me on edge. The plastic of the chair I'm on is maddeningly uncomfortable and I can't relax. Time trickles by and I'm still alone.

 _I just need to see her_ , I say to myself. _I just need to see if she's okay._

I heave myself to my feet and shake my head to try and dispel the dizziness that flutters around me. It swarms like flies, making my vision buzz and blur, and I stumble back into the chair again. Before I can try to get up again, I hear familiar voices.

"Soul!" Tsubaki races towards me down the corridor, Black*Star by her side. When they pull up level with me, she leans down and pulls me into a tight hug and I reciprocate as best I can with my un-slinged arm. Her voice trembles as she says, "We came as soon as we heard."

Black*Star puts a hand on my shoulder. "What happened?"

I explain everything as best I can in my sawdust voice. When I mention the blood they both stare at my clothes, obviously realising just how much of it is Maka's.

"So I got us here and then they wheeled her away and now I'm here," I finish, slumping in my seat. Getting the words out seems to have helped with the dizziness a little: I feel more centred and grounded, and when Tsubaki hands me a bottle of water I sip from it gratefully.

"How long have you been here?" she asks.

"I... don't know," I reply. "Feels like hours."

"And they haven't told you anything?" asks Black*Star. "About Maka?"

I shake my head.

"Those dicks," he grumbles.

"I'm sure they're just busy," says Tsubaki. "There were a lot of people when we came in."

"Still," says Black*Star. "This is _Maka_."

He cracks his knuckles and goes to leave, but Tsubaki puts a hand on his arm reproachfully.

"Just don't hurt anyone," she pleads. He says nothing for a moment, but then grins.

"I won't," he says. "I'll be the epitome of tact!"

He disappears down the corridor, looking for the nurses station, and Tsubaki sighs.

"He's going to bloody someone's nose," she says.

I shake my head. "He'll be fine," I say. "They'll have been trained to deal with bigger dudes."

Tsubaki half-smiles. "How are you doing?"

"I don't know," I say after a pause. "I don't think I will know until they tell me what's going on with Maka."

A comforting comes around me and Tsubaki's other hand rubs soothingly at my other shoulder. "She'll be okay," she murmurs, and I want to believe her. "She'll be okay. You guys have already survived so much, and she's so strong."

I hang my head, trying to let Tsubaki's voice comfort me. We stay that way for a bit: Tsubaki talking to me softly and keeping her arms around me while I stare at the wall opposite. I feel sick and exhausted, but when Black*Star comes back with a harried-looking doctor in tow I force myself to get up.

"Mr Evans?" he asks and I nod, too wrecked for pleasantries. He glances at Tsubaki and Black*Star before continuing, "Maka is still in theatre. We're doing everything we can for her, particularly Dr Stein, but–"

"Stein's here?" asks Black*Star, and I could punch him for interrupting.

"Yes he's a consulting surgeon here," says the doctor, and Black*Star smiles.

"She'll be fine then!" he says confidently. "Professor Stein is great at putting people back together!"

"That is the hope," says the doctor. "Right now we can't guarantee anything. Maka has suffered extensive internal injuries and the damage to her body is quite severe. In short, Maka is still critical."

The words don't feel real. I'm almost waiting for someone to laugh and tell me that the whole thing is a prank, that Maka is totally fine and that we can go home. God I want to go home and sleep and stop feeling this chewing sensation inside me. But it doesn't happen: everyone just stands there in silence and it's all real and if I went home she'd still be here. I nod.

"Okay." My voice catches in my throat. "Thanks."

"I'll let you know as soon as we have any more news," says the doctor before he leaves.

I slump back into my seat, my stomach knotted beyond recognition. More than anything I want to stop thinking, to have everything just _stop_ , but my thoughts won't give up.

 _I want to stay with you forever. I want us never to be apart again. I don't often think about the future – it would mean leaving the you I have in the present – but some insomnia-fuelled nights with you sleeping soundly in my arms and your hair fanned out on your pillow and on me, I find myself venturing there, imagining how our lives might pan out if my luck stays as good as it did for me to have met you. I think about where we'll live, what we'll do, how beautiful you'll be (and I swear every day will get better). I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head and a breakfast we can lazily eat together in bed, pulling off chunks of toast sticky with jam. I'll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye at the gates – I hope they'll take after you. You're beautiful and brave and strong, and you make me feel this way somehow. Then you shifted in the circle of my arms and dragged me out of my thoughts. I pulled you closer to my chest and kissed your cheek, wanting nothing more than to stay with you until we're grey and old._

I don't know what to do. The last thing I've been told to do is wait, and I can't _do_ anything with that and all this waiting hurts. I know there's nothing more I can do to help Maka but I want to do something.

I come out of my thoughts when I feel Black*Star press a bar of chocolate into my good hand. I don't want it – the concept of eating feels like a distant memory – and I hold it in a limp grip until he unwraps it for me and all but forces it into my mouth. I chew automatically, knowing that the only way to keep him off my back is to finish the damn thing, even though I can't taste it and the texture of it makes my tongue ache when I try to swallow.

"Well done," says Tsubaki quietly once I've finished.

Before I can say anything in response, we hear a frantic beeping sound and suddenly my heart is pulsing wildly in my ears because I've never _heard_ this one before and people are rushing through the theatre doors – right to where I know Maka is.

I jump to my feet, spring-loaded with adrenaline, and try to push my way into the room. An orderly appears and wrestles me out again, and it's only then that I realise I'm yelling.

"MAKA?!" I call, doing everything I can to squirm from the orderly's strong grasp. "MAKA! WHERE IS SHE? WHAT'S GOING ON? SOMEONE TELL ME!"

The orderly shoves me bodily out and Black*Star takes over, grabbing me around the waist and getting a firm hold on me, planting his feet properly like when he's about to take down an opponent.

"LET GO OF ME!" I shriek. "LET ME GO! MAKA'S IN THERE! I NEED TO SEE HER!"

"We can't go in," says Black*Star firmly, arms rigid around me. It doesn't occur to me to realise I've never heard this tone to his voice before. "Come on."

He tries to tug me back to my seat, but I refuse to move.

"NO!" I yell. "NO I NEED TO SEE HER! WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Black*Star's grasp around me turns into a hug as sobs start to wrack my body. I double over, shaking. I don't know what's happening and everything feels overwhelming – I don't know what else to do so I just cry. Tsubaki stands on the other side of me and puts her arms around me too – I find myself sandwiched between them, my cries slowing in the embrace. I'm so smothered in them that at first I don't notice the doctor from approaching us.

"Mr Evans?" he asks. I straighten up, Black*Star and Tsubaki still holding onto me. I know I must look a disaster as he stares at me, but he presses on regardless. "Maka has gone into severe haemorrhagic shock – we were trying to avoid it but it seems we only slowed it. She's lost too much blood and her heart is struggling to pump enough blood around her body. We're giving her emergency oxygen and a transfusion to try and get things under control."

My breath hurts in my lungs.

Tsubaki mercifully intervenes. "How are things looking?" she asks.

The doctor looks between us all and I can see where the concerned, serious lines in his have come from. "Things are very uncertain right now," he says. "I can't give a firm answer but I encourage you all to remain calm and rest assured that we are doing everything we can for her."

"That's all I ever hear!" I say desperately. "'We're doing everything we can for her'! What's everything? She needs _more_ than everything! She can't die, she's _Maka_!"

My voice wobbles and I dissolve into tears again. I feel Black*Star and Tsubaki hugging me tighter but it feels far away – my mind is drifting...

 _I want to live with you, even when we're ghosts. I never thought about it much. Yeah, our jobs are ridiculous and we know there's always a chance we won't come back, but it's you and it's me and I never really thought about it as something that might actually happen. With the reality laid starkly before me I know I can never be apart from you. I refuse to be. If my heart is a compass, my north is you. I will follow you wherever, and if that includes death so be it. I promise until death we part – I'm going to love you until my lungs give out._

Somehow I'm sitting down again, with Tsubaki and Black*Star still curled protectively around me. Tsubaki has tear tracks down her face and Black*Star's eyes are wet. My shoulders are shuddering and my face is numb. There's a cold seeping all through my body, making my lips tremble.

"She'll hold on," says Tsubaki, her voice a whisper. "She won't go down without a fight, Soul, you know she won't let go."

I can't respond. I can't even nod. I want Tsubaki to be right. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life before. I feel powerless, like the only thing I can do is hope that Maka is strong enough to get through this. I've always known she's strong enough for anything but right now everything feels too fragile and I still have her blood all over my clothes.

Time passes slowly, too slowly, and I don't know how much of it passes before I hear footsteps. Every one echoes in my head: the steady, dooming drum-beat a fanfare for something I inevitably know is going to be awful. I look up to see the doctor again, his face grave.

"Mr Evans." _I think I might be sick._ "We've done all we can. Maka is stable, but we're not sure how long for. I have managed to get some time for you to be able to see her."

He doesn't need to add that this could be my last chance. I hear it loud and clear.

"We have moved her into another room – if you would like to, please follow me."

I nod, standing slowly. Black*Star and Tsubaki squeeze my hands, giving me one last mental push to move my feet and shuffle after the doctor. He leads me off, through the hospital until we get to a small room – at least, it looks small from all the machines that are crammed into it around the bed.

"I'll be right outside if you need me," says the doctor, stepping out of the room again and closing the door behind him with a soft _click_.

With nowhere else to go and nothing else to do I look down and see her.

 _You lie on the pillow, your eyes closed. There are wires and tubes all over, so many that I get lost staring at them criss-crossing over your chest, up to your shoulders, down your legs. There's a tube in your mouth and a brace on your neck. Your skin is pale, the lilac-blue blood vessels in your eyelids sanding out. The cuts on your arms and face are starting to scab, red and angry against your skin, and there's a bag of blood hanging up, the tube leading down to your arm. Tears prick at my eyes, trying to get out._

I reach out and take her hand. The cannula juts out, too big for her small hand, and I try not to jog the heart monitor clipped on the end of her finger.

"Maka?" I say, or try to – my voice is broken. "Maka, it's me."

She doesn't respond. I don't know what I was expecting. I take a deep breath.

"I don't know if you can hear me but if you can..."

I trail off – what do I want to say to her?

"I love you." Those words are easy. They've always been true. "I'm so in love with you. I... I hope... you know. You're the best thing in my life and we've come so far already, I..." My voice lurches. I choke down a fresh sob. "I can't im– imagine my life... without you."

I want to get up on the bed and curl up around her, pull her into my arms and somehow make it better. I can't. The tubes and wires are all over and I don't want to do anything to screw them up. I need to hold her in my arms but I can't, and with nothing else to do I wrap both hands around hers. I don't know how to tell her what I want to tell her and know that she can hear me.

An idea comes to me, almost fully-formed.

My hands are unsteady as I take her hand in them more firmly, more comfortably, and reach out tentatively with my soul, digging deep inside me for my wavelength and hers. I'm not used to starting the process and it's tricky to calm myself enough to find them. Mine roils under my skin, wrapping around my bones like it's trying to keep me tied together. By comparison, Maka's is drifting inside her, weak but – _thank god_ – still there. I pass my wavelength to hers, trying to strum the two together to get... something. I don't know what I'm doing, not really.

" _Maka_...?" I say her name aloud and in my head, trying to make sure she can hear me. " _I love you. I will always love you_." The tears are back, trailing down my face – I hold her hand tighter. " _I love you so much. Please... don't let go._ "

I can't feel her responding. I can't feel anything except for that faint echo of a wavelength suspended inside her.

" _Please_." I'm begging now, asking the universe to help me out. " _Please, Maka, I can't do this without you, please. Come back, stay with me, just say you won't let go._ "

My head hurts. I can't keep this up much longer.

" _You were always there for me when I needed you most_ ," I say. " _I just want you to know I'm here for you too. Forever. Please._ "

My wavelength stutters. I have to let go.

" _I love you._ "

I'm about to finally retreat, pull away and give up on my own bad idea...

Something moves. Something in Maka – her wavelength. My breath hitches and I feel a leap in my chest.

" _Maka?_ "

Her eyes flutter and her fingers twitch. The wavelength I've been probing so desperately thrums and responds. There are no words but I can feel her warmth, her strength, the inimitable essence of her. Scarcely daring to hope, I keep talking to her, trying to make sure she knows how much I love her.

Her eyes open and I think I must be dreaming. She looks at me over her tubes and wires and I see a light in her face, a little smile on her lovely mouth. I reach out and hit the red button on the wall to call someone before leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. She's here, she's really here, and I'm never letting her go ever again.


End file.
